I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
