when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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