So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
