This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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