Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
