i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize