This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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