paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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