She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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