Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
