So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
