I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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