I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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