Jerry, you need to find god
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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