a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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