do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
