girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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