with your own penis?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Randomize
