He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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