She is in my trunk
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
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