My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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