Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize