After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize