Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
