Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
