Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
