I accidentally burped into my bong.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
