Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
