if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just had sex on a roof
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
