Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
