foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
