his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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