I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
