i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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