Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
