broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he fucked my hip out of place.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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