Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
