how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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