the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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