Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize