So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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