somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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