he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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