My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
should my penis look like a turkey
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
