I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
