I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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