i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
