Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize