They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
