it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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