I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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