these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
