I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
