"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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