Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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